The Holiday Soccer Mom's Tips for Holiday Soccer Momming

   Since it's still the holidays (New Years hasn't happened yet, so there) I thought I would try to post a few helpful hints to being an awesome person this holiday season. I don't know if I've told you this yet, but I was basically an only child from the time I was in ninth grade. This is because my sisters are 5 and 6 years older than me, so they moved out and I was still at home for four years after that. Anyway, being an only child and very much unattached to anything other than my extensive collection of musicals soundtracks, I have become the holiday soccer mom in our house. My mom works so she leaves the baking to me, and it is then that I become the holiday soccer mom. 

SOOO COMFORTABLE!

   This was not my first time donning the holiday soccer mom ugly holiday sweater, and so I have accumulated a few of my baking tips for all of you out there wondering how to make a successful holiday cookie tray. First of all you have to wear comfy holiday socks. Why holiday socks? Please...if you're going to be a holiday soccer mom you have to wear holiday socks. Comfy footwear is essential because for some reason when you're baking there is no time for sitting. It's basically an assembly line and I'm pretty sure those people don't get to sit down. If any of you are familiar with the ways of the assembly line feel free to share your knowledge of if they can or can't sit down whilst assembling things. After you have put on the comfy holiday socks pull out the list of goodies your family can't live without. My list this year included: kringla, krumcaka, forgotten cookies, snowballs, danish puffs, chocolate peanut candies, cornflake cookies, monster cookies, and fudge. That, my friends, is a whole lot of holiday cheer right there.

Before

   After you have assembled your ridiculously long list of holiday goodies, then you need to figure out what order to make them in. I hate having to sit around and wait for something to get chilled enough or baked enough, so you figure out the most efficient way to do things. I am not Martha Stewart and I don't have all day to prance around my kitchen making beautiful cookies and cute decorations out of things that I found on a nature walk. I just want to bake my stuff so I can be done and move on with my life, not that I don't enjoy baking but saving time makes it a much more pleasant experience. Anyway, once you've figured out what baked good comes first, start baking your stuff. No matter who you are or where you live, your holiday baking is going to require a literal TON of butter and about six dozen eggs. It wouldn't be the holidays without these crucial baking items. Make sure you have secured all the ingredients you need BEFORE you start baking. It's so not awesome to reach the end of a recipe and realize you forgot to pick up a can of powdered rhino's horn. And going to your neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar is impractical for me because I live in the middle of nowhere...and it would just be weird because who does that?

After

    Once your baking is under way be sure to sing several holiday tunes, it helps if you are well versed in holiday songs. Since you are trying to become a Holiday Soccer Mom I assume you already know some pretty good Christmas Carols. If you're going for the gold you could whip out some lesser knowns like "Foom Foom Foom", I don't have a prize to give to you but you will have the satisfaction of knowing the song and that you are a big Christmas nerd. While you are caroling around your kitchen baking your wonderful Christmas goodness, clean up the huge mess you've been making. If you clean up the messes while your making them, you won't have to be up until three in the morning scrubbing some weird green crap off of your ceiling. When the timer for the oven dings be sure to mentally prepare yourself for failure. Despite your best efforts something could have gone wrong and it's best to be prepared for it because sometimes ovens like to take your hard work and turn it into something that tastes like old socks, or at least looks like old socks. If the angel of Christmas baking has smiled upon your kitchen and blessed you with lovely and tasty cookies, make sure to spread the aura of love all around your Christmas baked goods. No self respecting Holiday Soccer Mom would forget that love is the most important ingredient.
 

Smorgasbord

    When you have finally made your way to the end of your Christmas goodies list, put them in containers so your family can have the joy of opening them and wondering what delight they will find inside. It's basically like opening a present, except better because you can always eat it. Once you have properly contained your goodies (beware of the monster cookies, I swear they are feistier than normal cookies) take pictures of your hard work and show them to people who probably couldn't care less.

Aerial View

*Side Note* Ironically not pictured are the Forgotten cookies. Not because I didn't want to photograph them, but because they have to sit in the oven for somewhere around 6 hours.They didn't turn out anyway, the Christmas cookie angel spat on them and they lost their visual appeal...still tasted amazing though. And I could eat more of them without really realizing it, a true Christmas miracle.                         

*Confession Time* My Holiday Soccer Mom holiday sweater has been stained because I didn't make all of the goodies on my list. Our fallen friends this year included the Cornflake cookies and krumkaka.

Hanging by a Few Threads

Moonboot

    Since I've been playing in the snow quite a bit lately, it has brought back some old memories from my childhood. No flashback would be complete without a polite nod to the winter of 96-97. My memory of that is one that is combined from a home video and something I actually managed to remember all on my own. We had a huge drift at the end of our grove, so my sisters and I decided to do something epic with it. I'm sure it was epic at the time, but it ended up being a very small hole which was dug from the top of the drift through the side. Being the precocious little five year old that I was, I decided to be totally awesome and climb up through the hole. I was all ready to impress my older sisters, but then (as usual) I made a fool of myself. Somehow I ended up getting wedged in the hole and my moon boot came off. I have no idea how this happened, but in the home video it's footage of me stuck in this hole and yelling in a very high pitched voice about my boot. It is hilarious to watch, although it was extremely terrifying and embarrassing at the time.

My shed was bigger...and cooler

    One of my favorite snow memories happened when I was a little older than that.I can't remember how old I was but I'm going to guess I was probably 9 years old. I was old enough for no one to really care about what I was doing, and so I could just go play by myself when everyone got sick of me. To be fair, I was a fat little kid, and I also believed I was hilarious. I have no idea why I thought I was so awesome, maybe it's because there was so much of me. Anyway, I was all snow-suited up in my blue snowpants a ridiculous 90's coat, and some hand-me-down snowboots, and I had a brilliant idea. There had been a lot of snow that winter as well, so much that it ended up drifting to the top of our lean-to shed. Being the budding genius that I was, I decided it would be the coolest thing ever to sled down the roof of the shed. I struggled to the top of the snow pile and threw the tie-dye sled up onto the roof. After several minutes I managed to get myself up onto the roof as well. I walked up to the point where the lean-to met the shed wall and sat down on the sled. With my game face on and excitement coursing through my veins I pushed off the wall.

This is exactly what the sled looked like

     The next thing I knew I was hanging in mid air. My sled had flown out from under me and I was levitating above the snow pile. My snowpants had gotten caught on a nail and I was literally hanging by a thread. I had no idea how this was going to end, but something told me it wouldn't end well. Not knowing what to do I called for help, but at the same time I was praying that no one could see me hanging off of the lean-to. It was then I decided I couldn't stay there forever, I had to free myself from this nail. Surprisingly enough it took a few tries to free my chubby nine year old self, but I did eventually end up face first in the pile of snow. Never again have I tried sledding off of a roof, although this time I think I would be smart enough to hold tightly to my sled.

He is way better than I was

   One more snow memory comes to mind as I gaze across the snow drifts of my mind. I was in fourth grade and we were on a field trip to go skiing. This particular field trip included the fourth, fifth, and sixth graders and some of their parents as chaperons. I had never been skiing before and I ended up spending all morning on the bunny hill trying to pass the test. Something you should know about me, I stink at any sport and I am in no way athletically inclined. After lunch I finally passed the stupid test and made it around the cones without falling down or knocking over a cone. If only they knew just what they were setting loose on the slopes. Sliding off of the ski lift I made my way to the easiest hill there was, Hawaiian Cruise. Happily I set off bent low into the wind. As I came around the bend I tried to put my skis in the pizza position in order to slow down. The closer I got to the bottom of the hill the more I tried to slow down, and the faster I ended up going. All of the sudden I realized I was headed right for one of the chaperons. Looking up in terror I saw him rapidly coming closer. I was on the ground before I realized I had knocked down a full grown man. It was like running into solid wall, and I looked around me in confusion. Feeling horrified that I had knocked him down I offered him some words of condolence "I'm sorry!I can't stop so good!" He looked at me and started laughing.
    I have learned many lessons from the snow, most of which include me embarrassing myself. A good lesson to remember is: there is no way your older sisters will ever think you are cool, especially when you are five. And another lesson to remember is always run into a chaperon that has a good sense of humor, even now when I see him now we still like to talk about the skiing incident. But the most important lesson of all to remember is: you are never as awesome as you think you are, the snow will always prove superior.

Snow Wins Again

A Skunk Wrapped in Plastic

Group of Male Models

    It was Monday night, and I had victoriously finished the last project of my theater class. Being pretty proud of myself I was just chilling in the theater lobby and checking my facebook, like any champion would. At this point in time my roommate began chatting with me, and she had some news for me. Apparently, our room smelled. Truly hoping that it was the smell of cologne after a group of male models had wandered into the room for a random dance party, I asked her what it smelled like. Her reply was concise, burnt plastic. Being hugely disappointed in the lack of male models, I set her sniffing around my side of the room to see if my hair straightener was the cause. It was not, and so I told her upon my return to the room I would investigate the smell.
    Less than an hour later I walked into my dorm, hoping the smell had gone away. I turned the key in the lock and opened the door to my room. The smell hit me so hard across the face I thought perhaps I had stroked out, it was the weirdest and the most confusing smell I've ever encountered in my life. Wandering around the room, nose first, I went about finding the source. A stream of profanities ran through my mind, with several disjointed thoughts interrupting them, the smell was so strong I may have been slightly asphyxiated. There was no limit to what I would smell. A list of what was sniffed includes: the lamp, my computer,Kate's computer, the tv cable, my hair heating devices, the radiator, my fan, and other mundane plastic objects. Full of angst and fumes I gave up the search in favor of facebook.

Not Our Actual Microwave

    The internet in my room is awful. There is a 50/50 chance I will be able to use it, and those are my odds on a good day. This just so happened to be the day my computer decided to be stupid and not let me go on the internet. In order to satisfy my facebook needs, I used Kate's computer. As soon as I sat down in her chair I noticed the confusing smell had gotten stronger. Could it be? I leaned behind her chair and opened the door to the microwave. Sticking my head in I used all the power I had to inhale. My body let out a huge cough in protest and told me I had found the origin of the smell. The smell in the microwave was indescribable, but let me try to describe it to you anyway. It was as though a skunk had wrapped itself up in plastic and crawled into our microwave to enjoy a few minutes of toasty-ness. Now that the problem had been located, it was time to take care of buisness.
    Kate came back to the room, and I let her know that our beloved microwave had betrayed us. After we comforted each other for a few minutes, we donned our snow gear and picked up the traitor. She held the cord as I picked up the microwave. We journeyed through the midnight snow to the dumpster, and it was here we laid "Filbert" as I had christened him. We placed him next to another microwave and a mini fridge, we thought they could rest in peace together. Kate said a few words over his useless electric corpse, and I whistled taps as we saluted our little buddy. Giving him a few kicks for good measure we left that disgusting heap in the snow where it belonged, but he wasn't done with us yet.

Not Exactly Wrapped in Plastic

    The horrible stench lasted for the next day, and it was combated with Febreeze and the freezing cold fresh air we had blasting into our window. While I was walking to my car the next day I glanced over to the spot where we had abandoned Filbert, but he was gone. The other fridge and microwave were still there, but he had mysteriously disappeared. I may never find out what truly happened to him, but I do have some ideas. I'm almost positive it was a tribe of skunks wrapped in plastic, coming to take him away. Either that or he is plotting his revenge, waiting for the perfect moment to return and emit his stank once more.

The Holiday Soccer Mom

     I remember the day it happened. It was during the spring, and it was finally warm enough outside to wear a dress, and so I did. I'm quite fond of this particular dress, it's white with a brown floral print and I was wearing jean capris underneath it. I was also donning my kickass peep toed brown and blue wedge slingbacks. Feeling pretty good about myself I sauntered on down to the costume studio to see what was crackalacken. Little did I know what would happen next.
    As I entered the shop I was greeted by Eddy who said that I dressed as though I were from the 1950s. I was flattered because that was what I was going for, but then he finished his sentence. "You look like a 1950's mom. You've got Honda Oddessy stamped across your forehead." And thus began my life as a soccer mom. I had thought this might be a passing faze, but no, the soccer mom has continued to live on, so I decided to run with it.
    Friday night I went to the Holiday Theater dance which was also a costume contest. A brilliant shining idea fell from heaven as I took the old ugly Christmas sweater out of storage. This sweater is a true gift from God, it is the ugliest of all the sweaters. I was in a production of "The Best Christmas Pagent Ever" as the mom, so I had to get an ugly sweater, and boy did I find one. I went to the local thrift shop and searched there, not expecting to find much, but then I hit gold. Not only did it have "Mom" embroidered on the front, it was complete with a white dog wearing a sweater, hat, scarf, and on skis. So for the dance I used my mom sweater and created the holiday soccer mom. I used a plaid skirt, some tall black heels (soccer moms can be fashionable, because I said so), and of course the holiday antler jingling headband. I ratted my hair into a small poof, put on slightly heavier makeup, and whipped out the giant wreath earrings. She was ready to go.

Ready and rearing to go

Classy

  













One final prop made the Holiday Soccer mom a smashing success, a plastic wine glass. What Holiday Soccer mom would be complete without a glass in her hand? When the time came to announce the winners of the costume contest  I stood in anticipation with baited breath. Two winners were to be selected, which was good because the Virgin Mary was there, and you can't compete with that. The first winner was announced and it was, of course, the Virgin Mary. Shelby held the last gift card in her hand and announced that I had won as the Holiday Soccer mom. I ran up and held the $5 gift card to the campus grocery store tightly in my hand. Letting out a victory yell I screamed "I WON!!!" and I ran out of the theater as though my name had been called on the "Price is Right". It had been a good day for the Holiday Soccer Mom, and she celebrated by jumping onto the runway on the dance floor and giving a spirited rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", because after all, that song was about me.

WINNER!

My Christmas Carols

    Rewriting the words to songs is fun, and it's even more fun when you're a kid who has read a lot of old books and can come up with some cool words to use(I also use some not so old words, so have no fear). And so I have prepared a list of my Christmas renditions for your entertainment, enjoy.
   

                                                                              Oh Chemistry(Oh Christmas Tree)                            

            Oh Chemistry Oh Chemistry!

                     Your formulas confuse me;

          Oh Chemistry Oh Chemistry!

                   Your formulas confuse me;

             There's phosphate, and phosphide

                     And when I got my test I cried

           Oh Chemistry Oh Chemistry!

                   Your formulas confuse me!

                                                        

Jeans that are tight (Silent Night)

Jeans that are tight, don't fit right            

Your gold threads, full of might

I'll deny that I've gained any weight

Put more cookies on my plate

Please don't split on me

Please don't split on me

                                                  

                       

 

  My Homework is a Mountain(Go Tell it on the Mountain)

My homework is a mountain

piled on the chairs and to the ceiling

My homework is a mountain

A load that can't be borne.

                                    

  My Hair is curled(Joy to the World)

My hair is curled until I sleep     

And then it gets messy    

I toss and turn within my room

And now it is frizzy

And now it is frizzy

And now and now it is frizzy

          

Just Look at that Stranger(Away in a Manger)

Just look at that stranger no shirt o'er his head

His abs and pectorals are awesome I said

The girls in the room looked up with a sigh

His abs and pectorals are wonderfully nigh.

 

What time is this(What Child is This)

What time is this upon my clock

I think I may still be sleeping

The numbers say its ten fifteen

And that means I should be leaving

You, you will miss your class

Now your friends will give you sass

Haste haste to be on time

You can no longer tarry. 

I hope this has given you some holiday cheer, I know it has made me feel more peace on earth and goodwill towards men.Especially Just Look at that Stranger, because happily it was based on a true story.I didn't put a picture in for that one, because it couldn't do justice to the inspiration for that carol. So I shall leave you with something just as wonderful. Happy Holidays!

               

Cinder-woodchuck

     Once upon a time, in a land nestled gently into the corner of the magical state of Minnesota, lived a girl. To be truthful she was a peasant, but to make it interesting we shall deem her a princess. This princess lived in a beautiful palace that was under construction. On a fateful summers day the princess encountered a most terrible creature. She was frolicking outside to feed the royal hound when a brown blur ran past her and up the enchanted oak tree. The frightened princess let out a delicate shriek(an earsplitting yell in reality)and pranced hurriedly back into the palace. After several moments of frightened contemplation, she gathered her courage and went to stand under the tree. Her shining golden hair streamed down her back as she squinted high up into the branches. A mean, snarling, fury face squinted back at her. The royal hound, called Erma, barked at the fury face. The princess, being a bookish sort, consulted her magical electronic book to discover what sort of creature was in her enchanted tree. Her suspicions were confirmed as the magical book told her she was under the attack of none other than the evil woodchuck. The princess knew she had to fight the evil

The Evil One

one and so she went back outside to face the one she now called Diablo.

She called throughout the land for someone to come help her, but none would hear her plea. It was at this point in time she began to wish her parents hadn't taken a royal pilgrimage to the mystical land called Branson. It seemed that all the kings horses and all the kings men would not answer their calls. She sat with Erma and though out a battle plan. Her mind quickly thought of the royal hose. She ran to the hose and held it under the tree, aiming the stream of water at Diablo. Unfortunately, the stream could not reach through the branches of the enchanted oak tree. The princess contemplated the best way to fight a woodchuck. As she was not familiar with the ways of guns, she found the next best thing, yardsticks and painters tape. Using all of the strength and creativity she held in her royal body, the princess taped together four yardsticks with the bright blue tape. Hoisting the device onto her shoulders she thrust it into the tree...the device did not work. Spying the hose on the ground she picked it up and quickly taped it to her poking device, surely she could now vanquish the woodchuck. Attempting once more to de-branch the evil one she turned on the hose and hoisted the device back into the tree. Her attempt was met with a loud crack as the device fell to the ground, now split in two. She was growing concerned that Diablo would soon turn on her and leap from his perch right onto her royal face. The princess was by no means a beauty queen, but she had grown quite attached to her face. 

    The princess and her faithful hound Erma sat and pondered how to combat the evil one. Suddenly the princess remember the Queen of the Gardens. Surely this Queen would know how to defeat a creature such as Diablo. She called across the land to the home of the garden queen...who did not answer. The princess was distraught, but left a message after the beep. She turned in despair to the royal hound Erma, who just looked up at her with sad eyes. "I cannot climb a tree," they seemed to say, "but if I could I would vanquish him for you!" The princess gently patted the hound's faithful head. Sadly the princess had a prior commitment that caused her to leave the evil one in her tree.

     Thoughts of what Diablo would do in her absence filled the princess's mind. Images of the evil one leaping upon the faithful Erma and infecting her with rabies flew across her mind. Thoughts of a burning home filled her mind, and Diablo crouching in her bed left her mind with too much to bear. The princess hurried home   once

The Effects of Diablo

the prior commitment was taken care of. She rushed along in the royal carriage hoping the castle would still be intact(well as intact as it was before, it was under construction). Upon reaching the palace she saw the faithful Erma guarding the enchanted oak tree. Letting out a cry of relief the princess hugged Erma's neck and hurried inside. A most beautiful red blinking light greeted the princess and she listened to the mystical voice coming from the enchanted box. It was the Queen of the Garden. "Oh she has heard my plea!" cried the princess. The Queen of the Garden had indeed heard the plea of the princess and was sending for Gary the Mountain Man to come and rescue her from an almost certain death. The princess waited outside anxiously for the mountain man to appear. She glimpsed off into the distance and saw a cloud of dust rising. Her heart leaped with joy as she knew Diablo's minutes were numbered. 

    Gary the Mountain Man arrived at the palace on his faithful silver steed and walked over to the princess. He asked where the evil one was dwelling. The princess pointed with a shaking finger toward the enchanted oak tree. Erma stood guard as Gary the Mountain Man shouldered his trusty gun. A shot rang through the air as the princess held her breath. Diablo still clung to his perch amid the branches. Gary the Mountain Man shouldered his gun once more, and this time it rang true. Diablo's body began to free fall from the enchanted oak tree and landed right into the jaws of the faithful hound Erma. The princess thanked Gary the Mountain Man with much gratitude and waved as he rode off into the sunset. Happily the princess surveyed her castle and saw that all was well. 

    One year after that fateful day with Diablo the princess stood under the enchanted oak tree in the pouring rain under a bright red umbrella. She held a lit candle in her hand as she sang "Amazing Grace". Glancing up into the branches she saw a brown fury face surrounded by a bright white light, and then it was gone. A single pearly tear coursed down her cheek as she remembered the day she met Diablo. 

Rubi's Grand Adventure

   Today as I was at the check out at Joann Fabrics, I noticed a holiday Rubiks cube for sale, and it brought me back. Come with me if you would, almost a year back in time. It was January 2010 and I was a starry eyed freshman, new to the English and Theater departments(if they only knew then what they know now).My first semester roommate had returned home to Norway and my current roommate Kate had just moved in.With her came Rubi, and the most intense four days of my life.
     I had given her Rubi as a Christmas present because of this freakishly disturbing book we both had read for our English class.She got it into her mind that she wanted a Rubiks cube just like the main character, so I gave her Rubi and she gave me a blanket with the penguins from Madagascar on it. Anyway, Rubi was sitting in between our desks and I decided I was going to solve her, how hard could it be? After a lengthy discussion with Kate, she permitted me to begin the solving process...and what a process it was.
    The Rubik's cube came with instructions, and I am good with puzzles so I figured I could knock that bad boy out of the park in no time. I set forth toward my new goal with a spring in my step and a song in my heart. Gently placing the instructions on the table in front of me I held the cube in both hands.After discerning all the abbreviations and the directions to turn the cube I began. My mind became a whirlwind of Rubik's cube. A constant pattern of FRONT RIGHT, TURN CLOCKWISE,FRONT LEFT,SPIN!!! ran through my mind. The cube began to possess my thoughts in every waking minute. When I was with a group of my friends I couldn't even tell they were there, I was so obsessed with this cube. The first day passed and I had achieved one row of like colors.It took an act of sheer will power to set down the cube and go to sleep.
    My dreams were haunted with cube patterns, and so I didn't sleep very well. The next morning I jumped out of bed and made a beeline straight for Rubi. Kate got out of bed and just looked at me with concern in her eyes.Muttering to myself I held tightly to the cube. I can't remember for sure, but I assume that I went to class that day. And so passed the second day.

So CLOSE!!!

     Day three began in a frantic blur of cube and hands. Kate was now beginning to grow concerned that she had moved in with some kind of Smeagol who kept muttering "My Precious!!!". All of my thoughts were consumed with cube. I couldn't hold a proper conversation with anyone so I withdrew to my room. During the third day I began to despair, life was losing all meaning, I could no longer hear the song in my heart for the turning of the cube had gotten into the way. These were tough times, my friends.Thus ended the third day.

And the crowd goes WILD!!!

    The fourth day began in darkness...at this point I was pale gray, emaciated, and had lost all of my hair(this may be an exaggeration).Holding the instruction sheet in my hand I folded it an unfolded it, crinkled it up and smoothed it out. I would pick up the Rubik's cube make a few turns and sit deep in thought for long periods of time. A flame of hope began to grow within me as the sides slowly started to match up. I was shaking with anticipation and giddy with lack of sleep. My mind began to spin faster and faster, when suddenly the world stood still. I slowly turned the cube and everything clicked into place...I had solved the Rubik's cube.
I sat in disbelief with the gorgeous puzzle in my hand for several minutes. After I had recovered from the shock I ran out the door and right into my roommate.Somehow with a mixture of gestures and incomprehensible shouts she understood that the cube was solved. Together we rejoiced, and so began Rubi's Grand Adventure. 

Even cubes have bad habits

I'm such a Proud Parent!

  In a fit of joy we took Rubi around the campus, put her in funny poses, and took pictures of her. Even though it was freezing outside I was too excited to care, I had solved the Rubik's cube. As we placed Rubi into the hands of a statue I tenderly let her go, like a proud parent I stood back and took a picture of my beloved. Like a parent I had watched my cube go from a confused child to a solved adult, unlike a parent I could just shove her in a box when I was done for the day.

Guys who look like Jesus and Mark Twain

    It has come to my attention in my nearly two decades of life (I say nearly as today was my half birthday, no cards just money please) that people often look like other people.This is not always a good thing, as a complete stranger may remind you of that one kid from your English class that likes to take their shoes off and let their stank fill the room. But it can be a special gift from the universe when someone you see looks like a famous person. Most especially Mark Twain or the son of God, Jesus Christ.

     For the record I have been middle aged since I was born. The reason being that I was basically an only child because my sisters where 5 and 6 years older than me, we lived out in the middle of nowhere, and my parents were my gateway to the outside world. Since we lived out in the middle of nowhere it made it difficult for me to associate with kids my own age, so I just chilled with my parents and their friends. It is because of this that I have a huge love for Frank Sinatra, 1950s fashion, and old television shows. It was through old television shows that I first discovered the most amazing Mark Twain look alike, Will Geer.

Mark Twain

Mark Twain1

Not only does he look like Mark Twain, he even acts like him as he portrays the Grandfather on the 1970's television show The Waltons. Before you judge me for being old you should know that The Waltons is quality tv and it has some kickass characters in it. The next Mark Twain look-alike is one you all know and love, Mr. Einstein.

Mark Twain 2

Sometimes in the universe famous people end up looking like other famous people. I mean, just look at the Olson twins, or the cast of Jersey Shore. But it did not happen on Roseanne when they replaced the original Becky with Sarah Chalk.They DID NOT look alike. But back to important matters, like Mark Twain. I have two more look alikes, but neither of these men are famous. Taking pictures of them would just be awkward so I'm gonna go ahead and just tell you who they are, my Latin professor Dr.Schmoll, and my high school orchestra conductor's father. It shouldn't be too hard for you guys to picture what these men look like, I have faith in you.

     Now on to bigger and better things, mainly the man whom I believe looks like Jesus Christ. He is a celebrity, if you watch public television. Another tidbit you will learn about me, we didn't have cable when I was a child so I watched a lot of public television. My favorite show of all time was Arthur, that was some great television right there. But my father would make me watch New Yankee Workshop, and it was here that I found Jesus...well his look-alike anyway. It is my pleasure to show to you Mr. Norm Abram.

Norm Abram

Jesus

Not only does he look like Jesus, but here are a few reasons why I believe he is like the messiah.
1.He is a carpenter
2.He has a beard
3.He wears flannel(don't tell me Jesus didn't have casual Fridays)
4.He is a man
5.He spreads the good news(about carpentry)
6.He has the New Yankee Workshop, Jesus has the New Testament

Case in Point

Don't get me wrong, I am not making fun of Jesus here, I am just pointing out that some people have a lot in common with him. I do not believe Norm to be the actual Messiah, but you have to admit he has many shared qualities with Jesus.
     
    The next look alike I have selected also stems from my days in public television. He was one of the hosts of the do it yourself show This Old House. You have to realize my childhood was a time filled with shows on home improvement (including the show Home Improvement). May I present to you, the man that looks like Rick Moranis.

Rick Moranis

Steve Thomas

   








As you can see, these men share distinct facial traits. They probably have a lot of personality things in common as well. I think there is a lost This Old House episode out there where Steve Thomas shrinks his co-hosts.

      I owe quite a bit to public television. They helped me discover so much about life. Like having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card, how to build an antique table, that nature has some messed up rules, but most importantly, that people can look like other people.

Half Awake

     As we recently celebrated Thanksgiving, I was home for this most grateful of holidays. It seemed that every morning someone would come knocking on my door waking me up well before I was ready. My dad was the first offender. He cheerfully knocked on my door on Black Friday at the sensible shopping time of 8:30am.This would have gone over better if I hadn't been dreaming about Nazis and that they were pounding on my door looking for me. Being chased by Nazis put aside, I had a bonus of the day, I got a teapot that is an elephant. His trunk is the spout, he stands on his own legs, and he has a tiny little man riding on his back as the lid!It will come in useful for all the tea I need to stay awake.
     The next day was the most intense half awakedness I have had in quite a while. I was roused from my state of slumber by the loud repeated tones of a dog barking.Imagine for me, if you would, a dog barking, a big dog.Now add some kind of freakishly steady canine beat to it, stick it directly under my bedroom window, and you would have my Saturday morning alarm clock. Wanting to claim a few more hours of sleep I pulled my blankets over my head and tried to go to my happy place.I had almost succeeded when I heard the rhythm again. He must have brought out the tribal spirit within me because there were some strong emotions going on. I angrily went to open my window...it was frozen shut. My stream of profanities was stuck, just like my window, as I stomped down the stairs with rage. I opened the door, yelled at the dog to quit being stupid, and went back inside. To my dismay he ran over to the window and kept looking in at me. Not being completely heartless I was touched by his need for attention.This lasted two seconds as I pulled my dad's boots over my bare feet. Bleary eyed I stepped out into the crisp morning air and was savagely attacked by a giant blur of black fur. Snatching his collar I dragged him into the garage and stuffed him into his kennel. Having done my good deed for the day I sauntered upstairs to my bedroom to claim some blessed sleep.
    Not five minutes after I had finally achieved enough warmth to see images of turkey dancing in front of me I heard a noise. Most people will tell you the pitter-patter of little feet is something to be treasured, a precious memory, well most people haven't heard the stomping of an excited three year old in her footie pajamas. Soon enough I heard her banging on the bathroom door yelling at my mom "GRANDMA!!!What are you doing?" Apparently the sound of a shower running didn't imply that my mom was, in fact, taking a shower. She continued banging on the door asking my mom what she was doing. After she had satisfied her curiosity she selected her next victim. Thankfully I was not the chosen one, I heard loud knocking and a voice screaming "WAKE UP!!!" I cowered in fear as the number of doors to knock on was down to me. An angel must have smiled upon me though, or perhaps it was my sainted sister, at any rate I escaped the terror of my niece. The turkeys began to dance in front of me again but were rudely pushed away by two voices yelling in unison "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Joy...my nephew was awake, too.At this rate I figured sleep was far beyond me, but it was that moment that a ray of light shown down from heaven and blessed sleep returned. This ended an hour later as my sister cheerfully told me to get up.
       This morning as I was cradled in the arms of my beloved sleep somehow the pitter-patter of little feet made its way unnoticed to my door. A few loud knocks later, a three foot tall, footie pajama-ed niece was standing in my open doorway yelling "KERSTI, TIME TO WAKE UP!"