Diablo Part 2: Dawn of Diablo

She WILL find you

     I don't know how, and I don't know why, but they ALWAYS find me. You make think that I'm talking about those perfume ladies in department stores who spray perfume in your open mouth. Or perhaps the homeless person standing at the intersection you found yourself stuck at for the last ten minutes. No, I'm talking about woodchucks. You may think that this cute little fuzzy creature couldn't possibly have malicious intentions, well to put it lightly YOU'RE WRONG! Woodchucks are evil, and I think I covered this in my epic tale. They are mean, they are smelly, and frankly, they need to learn a few things about manners. For example, it is not okay to live in someone's machine shed and dig big messy holes everywhere. It's messy, it ruins things, and it creates unnecessary tidy-up work for the owner of said machine shed...and quite possibly his daughter as well (who may or may not be myself). So without further ado, I present "Diablo Part 2: Dawn of Diablo".
     It was a standard Wednesday (as it always seems to be), when my mother noticed something outside our kitchen window. Being the beginning of August, it was hotter than a fat man's armpit outside and yet, our dog Alfie was jumping and running around my car. Desperately trying to cram his very large dog body under my low riding vehicle, it was obvious that something was under my car. My mother wondered if perhaps it was a woodchuck. I felt a cloud come over the previously bright kitchen and my brows furrowed in angst over the memory of another fateful summer day that forever shall live in infamy. I knew it was a woodchuck, nothing else would have the audacity to hide under my car in the middle of the afternoon.

This, this is what I hate.

     Since my mother had to leave, it was decided that my father and I would watch for the "mystery" animal to emerge from under my car. Startled by the noise from the garage opening, a small blur of brown fur raced from under my car to the middle of the lawn. There, panting in exhaustion, was a woodchuck. Knowing that Alfie didn't have the same woodchuck slaying skills as Erma, my dad and I watched as he nipped at the woodchuck. As previously stated it was very hot outside, so after some mild chasing, Alfie and the woodchuck just stood and watched each other. Alfie panted as the slobber clung to his lose doggie cheeks. The woodchuck was too tired to bare his disgusting buck teeth and just stood on his haunches watching.
     Inside the kitchen my father decided he'd had enough of the show and walked into the other room. Anxiously watching the tired animals, I grew concerned as the slow battle crept toward the front doorway. Having no desire to open the door and invite the woodchuck in for some cold lemonade, I told my dad that I would sneak down to the barn and grab a pitchfork. My previous battle with Diablo had taught me that you needed something to pierce the skin to really kill it, or else you'd just end up with a wet, angry woodchuck. Creeping around the side of the house, I tiptoed toward the barn. Not wanting to distract Alfie from his important job of keeping the woodchuck occupied. Of course, the moment that big hulking dog caught sight of me, he ran toward me. Worried that the woodchuck might escape, I shooed Alfie back toward the house. Not sure of what I wanted he just ended up bounding toward me and jumping at me. Shaking my head I went into the barn and grabbed the pitchfork, hoping that the evil spawn of Diablo would be patiently awaiting his certain doom.

Super dog saves the world, one woodchuck at a time

     When I had finally worked my way back up to the house the woodchuck cowered in the corner of the house. I lifted up the pitchfork to bring forth his doom, and suddenly found I couldn't do it. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I think it may have been that memory of a summer day when a woodchuck sat cowering in a tree. Most likely it was because I was scared I would miss and he would run at my legs and bite me and then I'd get rabies. At any rate, my father came out of the house, motioned to me to give him the pitchfork, and promptly stabbed Diablo 2. The woodchuck let out a squeal as my father gave him a few more flesh wounds. Alfie grabbed the dying woodchuck and pulled him back out into the yard, playing with him until he died. My father and I went back into the house and watched Alfie for a few more minutes. We both started laughing when Alfie picked up his woodchuck and pranced into the barn as a heavy rain began to fall. Even though he was holding a woodchuck in his mouth, I could still see a self-satisfied grin on Alfie's face. The world was finally safe from another evil woodchuck.