Diablo Part 2: Dawn of Diablo

She WILL find you

     I don't know how, and I don't know why, but they ALWAYS find me. You make think that I'm talking about those perfume ladies in department stores who spray perfume in your open mouth. Or perhaps the homeless person standing at the intersection you found yourself stuck at for the last ten minutes. No, I'm talking about woodchucks. You may think that this cute little fuzzy creature couldn't possibly have malicious intentions, well to put it lightly YOU'RE WRONG! Woodchucks are evil, and I think I covered this in my epic tale. They are mean, they are smelly, and frankly, they need to learn a few things about manners. For example, it is not okay to live in someone's machine shed and dig big messy holes everywhere. It's messy, it ruins things, and it creates unnecessary tidy-up work for the owner of said machine shed...and quite possibly his daughter as well (who may or may not be myself). So without further ado, I present "Diablo Part 2: Dawn of Diablo".
     It was a standard Wednesday (as it always seems to be), when my mother noticed something outside our kitchen window. Being the beginning of August, it was hotter than a fat man's armpit outside and yet, our dog Alfie was jumping and running around my car. Desperately trying to cram his very large dog body under my low riding vehicle, it was obvious that something was under my car. My mother wondered if perhaps it was a woodchuck. I felt a cloud come over the previously bright kitchen and my brows furrowed in angst over the memory of another fateful summer day that forever shall live in infamy. I knew it was a woodchuck, nothing else would have the audacity to hide under my car in the middle of the afternoon.

This, this is what I hate.

     Since my mother had to leave, it was decided that my father and I would watch for the "mystery" animal to emerge from under my car. Startled by the noise from the garage opening, a small blur of brown fur raced from under my car to the middle of the lawn. There, panting in exhaustion, was a woodchuck. Knowing that Alfie didn't have the same woodchuck slaying skills as Erma, my dad and I watched as he nipped at the woodchuck. As previously stated it was very hot outside, so after some mild chasing, Alfie and the woodchuck just stood and watched each other. Alfie panted as the slobber clung to his lose doggie cheeks. The woodchuck was too tired to bare his disgusting buck teeth and just stood on his haunches watching.
     Inside the kitchen my father decided he'd had enough of the show and walked into the other room. Anxiously watching the tired animals, I grew concerned as the slow battle crept toward the front doorway. Having no desire to open the door and invite the woodchuck in for some cold lemonade, I told my dad that I would sneak down to the barn and grab a pitchfork. My previous battle with Diablo had taught me that you needed something to pierce the skin to really kill it, or else you'd just end up with a wet, angry woodchuck. Creeping around the side of the house, I tiptoed toward the barn. Not wanting to distract Alfie from his important job of keeping the woodchuck occupied. Of course, the moment that big hulking dog caught sight of me, he ran toward me. Worried that the woodchuck might escape, I shooed Alfie back toward the house. Not sure of what I wanted he just ended up bounding toward me and jumping at me. Shaking my head I went into the barn and grabbed the pitchfork, hoping that the evil spawn of Diablo would be patiently awaiting his certain doom.

Super dog saves the world, one woodchuck at a time

     When I had finally worked my way back up to the house the woodchuck cowered in the corner of the house. I lifted up the pitchfork to bring forth his doom, and suddenly found I couldn't do it. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I think it may have been that memory of a summer day when a woodchuck sat cowering in a tree. Most likely it was because I was scared I would miss and he would run at my legs and bite me and then I'd get rabies. At any rate, my father came out of the house, motioned to me to give him the pitchfork, and promptly stabbed Diablo 2. The woodchuck let out a squeal as my father gave him a few more flesh wounds. Alfie grabbed the dying woodchuck and pulled him back out into the yard, playing with him until he died. My father and I went back into the house and watched Alfie for a few more minutes. We both started laughing when Alfie picked up his woodchuck and pranced into the barn as a heavy rain began to fall. Even though he was holding a woodchuck in his mouth, I could still see a self-satisfied grin on Alfie's face. The world was finally safe from another evil woodchuck.

The Ming Aralia that Got Away

     As a college student it is only right that I have a summer job. You know, one of those jobs you take to fill in the beautifully, long, hot period between semesters? Being the type who shies away from any food service job (other than my on campus one), the only choice was retail. Well, not the only choice, but it was the right choice for me. Having come out of a briefly awful period of being employed with a clothing store, I knew the clothing retail venue was out. Somehow I happened upon a want ad for a local nursery, and eventually became a plant person.

My garden! Now with real plants!

     My start at this nursery was in the retail area that contained home decor and gifts. It wasn't long until they realized they had a few too many people, and I was transferred into a greenhouse. This greenhouse held the house plants, the huge planters, decorative garden stuff, and the chemicals (such as fungicides, pesticides, fertilizers, etc.). Knowing next to nothing about plants, there was plenty of room for plant knowledge up in the old noodle.
     The co-workers I joined were nothing short of pure patience as I stumbled around trying to figure out what the hell kind of fungicide is the best fungicide, and what exactly is a tree scale? All these and more were explained to me, but it took me awhile before I could supply a customer with a ready answer and not desperately look to my co-workers for help. While bouncing around from section to section, trying to figure out what exactly I would be interested in, I saw them. In all their glory sitting there like a green beacon. Beautiful and breathtaking, the houseplants. Don't get me wrong, I am madly in love with the tiny little accessories for Fairy Gardens, but damn if those houseplants didn't steal my heart.

Ming Aralia, you stole my heart

     With a sort of frenzied look in my eye I began to madly Google anything I could about the houseplants we had. One of my ever patient co-workers was well versed in the house plant world and we often exchange notes on each of the plants. What really cinched my entry into the houseplant world, was a plant called the Ming Aralia. It was a hot day (like every single damn day in a greenhouse, honestly, I don't need a gym membership I have my own sauna, thank you!) and this lady came in to return a sickly looking plant. I took one look at the plant and contemplated telling her we don't take back dead plants, but it had some hope of survival left in it. I looked closely at the plant and noticed how terribly dry the soil was, so I gave it a good drink and then found out what I could about this mysterious Ming Aralia. Turns out it likes the sun, and it likes to be watered. Go figure, a plant that likes sun and water! After a few days the plant not only turned back into a beautiful feathery green, it began to flourish! I would lovely pat the plant when I walked by and look at its interesting little trunk. I loved this plant, but it was slightly out of my price range.

Frank!

     The weeks went by and I never had enough money to purchase my plant, I went on vacation and when I came back I looked all over for it. I knew deep down that it had already been purchased, and my co-worker confirmed this when she came in. She told me how she tried to dissuade the customer from buying the plant, telling him it was temperamental and KERSTI (emphasis NOT exaggerated), took really good care of it. And KERSTI was the one who was able to fix it. The customer was not to be turned away from this gorgeous plant, and I mourned the loss. Knowing that each plant is special in its own way I decided to turn my affection toward succulents. Easy to care for, and funky looking as all get out. Now in my window I have a very resilient aloe vera named Maria, a string of pearls plant named Sophia, and a schefflera I'm doing my best to turn into a bonsai. His name is Frank, in honor of Ben Franklin. While my Ming Aralia escaped me, I have many marvelous plants to fill my window sill and patio. But you can bet your Aunt Fanny's TV tray that next time we get a Ming Aralia I will be forgoing groceries that week in order to buy it!

Sophia on the left, Maria is on the right

I Got Religion, But I Still Feel the Heat

     I took a summer class for the first time this year. It was four weeks long with class three hours at a time Monday through Friday. Class started at 8:30am and went until 11:30 with a 15 minute break, you know, for posterity's sake. Anyway, I have very strong feelings about this class being done so I wrote a gospel song to celebrate. It was a lovely class and I learned a lot, but I'm still ridiculously glad it's over. Without further delay, here are the lyrics to my original song "I Got Religion, But I still Feel the Heat":

Verse 1:

The school year brought me low low low

And I was feeling so bluuuuueeeeeeeee

I didn’t know how I was going to make it

I didn’t know what to doooooooooo

So I set down my options right in front of me

And decided to take a class, offered for three

Thousand American dollars, right here in the USA

This isn't Jesus...Just looks like him

I stood right up and I just had to sayyyyyyy                             

Chorus:

I GOT RELIGION! But I still feel the heat

Yes I got religion! Those school year blues is beat

I won’t have to take this class with the others next year

Instead of having summer fun I’ll just stay right here!

I got religion I got religion but I’m still feeling that heat.

Verse 2:

Those first few days of class, well they went all right

I opened my Bible and read those texts almost every night

I wake up at the crack of dawn so early the next day

I’d hop right out of my cozy bed and this is what I’d sayyyy

It’s too dang much to take this class three hours at a time

Those four month classes, well right now they look sublime

I only have to take them three hours every week

But in my head I heard a voice and this is what it shrieked

Chorus:

I GOT RELIGION! But I still feel the heat

Yes I got religion! Those school year blues is beat

I won’t have to take this class with the others next year

Instead of having summer fun I’ll just stay right here!

I got religion I got religion but I’m still feeling that heat.

Verse 3 (dramatically spoken interlude):

I missed the class two times all told and got B’s on all the tests

The papers and the projects, well, they were some of my best

I’m happy now that those four long weeks are done

Now it’s time for me to step out for my time in the sun

Chorus:

Feel it, let the spirit move you, too,

I’ve no longer got religion, I’ve been freed from classroom heat     

I’ve no longer got religion and those school-time blues is beat

I packed up all my notebooks, said goodbye to each last one

Trade my backpack for a beach bag cause summer school is done!

I’ve no longer got religion but I learned an awful lot

Like about good old Moses and the problems that he got

I’m glad for all the things I’ve learned and all those things I’ve done

But I’ve no longer got religionnnnnn!!! Now it’s my turrnnnnnnnnnnn in the sunnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

Plains, Trains, and Automobiles

Plains.See, cause they're plain.

     You make think that I used the wrong form of "plain" for the title of this blog. Well let me disillusion you right away, I was being clever and you would realize this had you waited until the end of the blog to think that judgmental thought. For those of you who didn't think that thought, well good for you. Nice to know you have some faith in my grammar skillz.
     This last weekend I made a journey to Montana. Yes, a weekend trip to the great state of Montana (it was rough). Nestled between North Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming,  Montana is full of mountains. But before I get there, let's talk about North Dakota, shall we? I have never had any sort of love for North Dakota. It doesn't have Mount Rushmore, it doesn't have the Black Hills, it's flatter than a pancake hit by twelve trucks, and it's brown. When I think North Dakota, I think brown thoughts. It's like an old Western movie in Sepia....just all the brown.

Climbing is hard.

     Now that you know my true feelings, let me tell you about North Dakota since I've been across the whole entire state. It is flat, it is brown, BUT it does have some badlands and a lot of World's Largest Animals. I believe I saw the world's largest buffalo and a cow. There may have been more, but there is only so much room in my brain for these facts. The badlands my boyfriend and I saw were ones that helped give Teddy Roosevelt the idea for the National Parks system. It was pretty cool to think that the President had been where we were. Also, it was very obvious that several buffalo had been where we were not that long before us. We hiked down into the badlands and we realized how out of shape we were. It's a long way down, and it was hot outside. But we found a rock that was shaped like a chair, and realized that nature is prepared for people like us.
     Being in a car for upwards of 8 hours a day can really take its toll on you, but once you're in Montana you don't really notice. See, North Dakota has nothing for you to look at because (as previously stated) it's all brown. In Montana there are mountains, LOTS of mountains. And there are cool houses tucked away in the hills, steep roads that make you want to pee your pants, snow covered peaks, raging rivers, and old towns you'd swear you've seen somewhere before. The best part about driving through Montana was the mountains, there were so enormous some of their peaks were hidden in the clouds. You could see them from miles away and it was amazing to get to drive by these big ole' rocks.

Beautiful view, just don't look down.

     Once you get to the tippy top Northwestern edge of Montana, nature gets real. We drove to Whitefish and it is RIGHT on the mountain. Driving up Big Mountain Road in Whitefish made me very reminiscent of plane take-off...I do not care for that feeling. After your ears pop at least three times, you've reached your destination. Once you sit down, and then try to stand up, you realize that the altitude has changed, and standing up is harder than it seems. But once you get used to the altitude you can enjoy the view and the cool mountain air.
     Sadly, I was only in Whitefish for 12 hours before I had to get on the Amtrak back to Fargo.The train went right through Glacier National Park and it was gorgeous. I wish I could have explored it some, but we had to hurry, hurry, hurry(we were on a train after all). Most of the train ride I had this older lady sitting next to me and her name was Carrie. Her frank way of speaking made me laugh, and she insisted that I play "Revenge of the Beavers" on her Kindle. As we were traveling we ran into some delays. We were stuck for about two hours, and I was talking with her. Then she told me something that helped restore my faith in humanity, "You have a very optimistic attitude and a mellow disposition. You're starting to rub off on me! I think you need to write a book." I was surprised, but very flattered by her words. It is so rare to hear exactly what people think of you. I guess that's what is fun about meeting strangers, you can tell them these things and go on your merry way. It was a pleasure to sit next to Carrie, and I wish I had told her how much her comment really meant. But it isn't until we have the time to think about something that we realize what it means to us...and she wasn't really the mushy type.

All of them found out what happens in abandoned towns.
(Spoiler alert...it involves them dying)

     After she left the train I still had a long ride ahead of me. Little did I know that the train would end up being 5 hours late all told. See, a freight train had been going so fast that the breaks overheated and they locked. This meant we had to come to a standstill and wait for the trains that had been put behind schedule to pass us. What I got from this was: There is not enough room in all of North Dakota for two trains to be going two different directions. There are NOT plenty of wide open spaces. And there certainly is NOT anyway to create a more expansive system. (these fact are NOT supported by any sort of studious research, just sarcastic observation). During the night I kept waking up because the train would stop. I looked out my window once and saw abandoned freight cars midst the eerie glow of a yard light. Noticing how abandoned it was I thought: "This is where the radioactive people get on the train. This is how I'm going to die". I thought this because I had just seen "The Chernobyl Diaries" and knew that if you are stopped in an abandoned place overnight, you will die.

A lake...a big lake. And a mountain...also big.

     As you can tell I did not die. Surprisingly enough 41 hours of combined car and train travel didn't kill me. Nor did the desolate brownness of North Dakota, or even the pee-your-pants roads of Montana. What I hated most was getting these tantalizing glimpses of gorgeous scenery and just having to wave goodbye to it. Never fear though Montana! I shall return to you in July, ready for your beauty and horrifying roads.

Did You Know?

Did you know that a group of 5 janitors is called a pod?

This is a murder of janitors because it is 4 or less

     -I learned this when I walked behind 5 janitors. I also learned they communicate through melodious
      jingling.
Did you know that as soon as you buy something new to replace what you lost, you'll find what you lost?
     -I learned this when I bought Quintus a new cat brush.
Did you know that you can cram a ton of stuff in a small space?
     -I am continuing to learn this as I am in the process of moving...again.
Did you know that Dairy Queen has a confetti cake blizzard for the month of May?

Best Birthday Month Ever!

     -I learned this on Tuesday, and shall be celebrating my birthday all month long with this most amazing
      treat.
Did you know that Chaucer's birthday is May 29th?

Birthday Buddy

     -No one knows his actual birthday, but I have a really solid theory that this author shares my birthday.
Did you know that sometimes you can get free stuff at business because you work at the business next door?
     -I learned this today as I stopped at the "Stop and Go"(ironically enough they have no place to sit
       inside...they mean business) and got free coffee cause I work at the gift store that is 10 feet away.
Did you know that there is a product out there that says "smooth as a duck's butt" on it?
    -This I also learned at my new job. I would own it, but (ha! butt) it is expensive.
Did you know there is a line of fragrances out there named after authors?

SMELLS AMAZING!!!

     -Jane Austen smells like lilacs, but Leo Tolstoy is my favorite scent.
Did you know that life gets so much better when you're done with 4 out of 5 classes?
     -SOOOO MUCH BETTER!
Did you know that even if you only get $24 for books that cost wayyyy more, it is better than moving them to a    
     new house?
     -An important lesson kids, always sell those books you're not so sure about because they probably won't
       be buying them by the time you make up your mind.
Did you know that "The Cool Mikado" is awesome?

Madly in love with this

     -Yes, I'm still on this but it's SOOOO GOOD!

Here's a how-de-do!

     Okay so it's been over a month since I last blogged, and if you're going to round up it's been almost two. But we don't like math here so it's like I never left! But seriously, it's been a while and I've learned some stuff and I want to share it with you!
     This whole year has been somewhat...poopy. I have no idea what made it this way, but beginning to end it has been an intense struggle and I totally felt it. Yet somehow that old cliche still fits, "Didn't it just fly by?" Even though I only agree to this after skeptically frowning my eyebrows for a good long while I admit that it did fly by. Most of what this year has been about is self discovery and good old communication. And none of this communication was learned from my Comm 201 class... which can just go die.

Gay Elephant wishes you rainbows and sunshine

     Being a member of the theatre I've learned that there are so many people who have to work together to put a show on. I know, you're all thinking, "Duh!" but seriously  A LOT of people are necessary to make a show happen, and it can REALLY REALLY be a stinky gym sock of a time if these people decide that their ideas are the most important out of all the ideas...ever. If you're going to be a member of a group, then friggen be a member of a group. I'll be the first one to admit I hate group projects, but I'm not going to make them more difficult by acting like a spoiled child and demanding that I get my way.
     Here's a news flash, other people have good ideas too, in fact, their idea just might be as good OR better than yours, so take the time to listen to them and hopefully they will listen to you. Once you've talked it all out take the time to compromise and decide what's best for the production as a whole. Sure there is going to be some intense times in there, but if you remember that other people have feelings and struggles too, than life will be rainbows and sunshine! Not really, but it will be a helluva lot easier than if you are just selfish.
     Another thing I've learned is that you really have to call people out on being bitches. If someone is treating other people badly, call them out on it. Also, if they are being a diva CALL THEM OUT ON IT!!!It is not necessary to politely stand by as somebody pushes through and demands that they be given the most attention just because they want to be noticed. If you work hard, guess what, somebody will notice. You don't need to toot your own horn and tell the world how great you are, because if you really are that great chances are someone will end up noticing. This doesn't mean you should go around calling everybody out on every wrong move they make, but if they repeatedly do these bitchy things you need to stop the madness.

HAPPY BRAIN=HAPPY YOU

     And the biggest lesson I've learned this year, don't stay at a job you don't enjoy. Yes, I realize I'm at a point in my life where I have to deal with the shitty jobs just to get through, but that doesn't mean I need force myself to continually go to a place that makes me unhappy. I work in food service right now and I actually enjoy myself. It's not the greatest job, but I make it better in my own way. I also work at a job where I get paid very little for the hours I put in, but I absolutely adore it. Through this job I have found what I want to be when I grow up, and I am lucky enough to be able say that at the age of 20. This past year I held two jobs that I absolutely hated and they made me so unhappy as a person, and it showed. When I discovered that I needed to quit these jobs I found out what my weaknesses are, and that was really hard to admit to myself. I also had to admit to others that I had failed, which is soooo not fun. But even though I had to do these two very difficult things, I was so much happier as a person and healthier too. So little importance is placed upon mental health, and I have learned what happens if you ignore the things your brain is telling you.
     In conclusion Comm 201 can go die, just communicate with people (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), call out bitches, and listen to your brain. Granted my year was shitty (oops...poopy, I meant poopy), but I wouldn't trade these lessons for anything. The tough times can really help you learn lessons the best, because if you don't learn these lessons you'll keep having tough times. While the lessons I learned may not be ones that apply to you, I hope you can realize that the tough times are there for us to grow from. Props go out to the Big Guy Upstairs for letting us have tough times too, even though they hurt like hell we become better people for it.

p.s.This title is from "The Mikado" by Gilbert and Sullivan and I am currently madly in love with it.

I LOVE ALL THE SONGS!!!!!

The Day I Discovered the Root to All Evil

     It was a usual March day with the gray(or grey, whatever you prefer)sky, the chilly wind, and the awkward puddles that are way to big to skirt around. I had experienced a most uneventful day and was ready for it to be over, but somehow it just wouldn't go away. I was laying on my couch watching "The Office" at 1am, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My emotions were all in turmoil, and all I wanted to do was stay on the couch until I fell asleep. It was at this point that I realized what had happened, the forces of evil had taken hold of me. It was then that discovered I knew the root to all evil: fluorescent lights.

EVIL!!!!

     You would think something as efficient and widely used as fluorescent lights would be a vehicle of good and not evil, well, YOU ARE WRONG!They are tubes of hot gas that take time to heat up, and once they do there is no telling what kind of havoc they will wreak. Maybe they will decide that they are tired, so they start to flicker. I work in a basement so we have a lot of fluorescent lights to deal with, and I HATE it when they flicker. It makes it makes you  believe that you are experiencing a small seizure, blinking to rapidly, or perhaps missing out on people running by you and inhuman paces (obviously werewolves, warlocks, or...w-ampires). Then you realize that most irritating refraction of light isn't something medical, but something most ungodly...fluorescent lights. Once your attention has been drawn to this, you can't ignore it anymore and you have to deal with it until quitting time, or perhaps the angels smile down upon you and extinguish the evil (it burns itself out).

I feel it too Kate, I feel it too.

     Then there's the whole, your body thinks it's taking it good light thing. Sunlight is good for you, with the proper protection. While we have yet to invent a sun condom (the sun will impregnate you with cancer if you don't use protection), we have sunscreen, and clothes...I can't express how grateful I am when people use this venue against skin cancer. But you need that good old vitamin D to maintain a happy and healthy body. Since I live in Moorhead, and it's nearing the end of winter, by body is very hungry for vitamin D. It takes this out on me by making me sleepy, hungry, and SUPER unmotivated. Fluorescent lights trick you into thinking they are good light, when in actuality they give you nothing but grief. Kate (of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame) would often fly into a rage about the fluorescent lights in her home, and as much as it pains me to say this, I can see where she is coming from,

Fluorescent lights will never see this coming.

     Imagine having to deal with the evils of fluorescent lights not only at the accursed place of working, but also in the sanctuary of your own home. The evil forces would surround you all day and eventually steal your soul. So far I have been able to fight the enemy with soft lighting (of the college twisty lamp fame). While this lighting is nice and relaxing, it doesn't compare to the glory of sunlight. And my soul has already been compromised by the extreme amount of time I must spend in the clutches of the Evil Ones.Until magically, one day, I will look up and there will be my redemption. I won't notice it at first, but I eventually I will experience feelings of great joy and giddiness. And high above me the sun with be shining brightly and powerfully, slowly vanquishing winter, and breaking the strangle hold of the evil fluorescent lights.